Worry

My hubby and I have been absent from church for a couple of months now and it has been mostly due to worry.
I worry that we do not spend enough time with family and we are not nurturing our friendships. We both work, go to school, and work out, that leaves about 45 minutes before bedtime to connect and leaves the weekend to connect with our loved ones.
Time flies by and we are constantly on the run from one place or person to the another, worried that we are not living or connecting enough.
We both worry about our families. One that is estranged and one that is in financial strain. We worry about our future and how long it is going to be before we start a family. Will we be too old or too young?
My husband spent his birthday and mother’s day worried that his mother will push him away. I spent mother’s day weekend worried about my parents possibly losing their home.
Worry. That is all we seem to do lately. We try and we pray that we find our way back to God and connecting spiritually, but worry weighs heavy on our day to day life.
I have been trying to figure out what we both need to do to live life and nurture our relationship with God and each other. I can truthfully say that I have yet to find my way as a wife, a daughter, and God’s child.

I think worry is what I do when I forget that there is a God and I am not it.

T

My worries are often connected to the lies we talked about last week. I begin to worry when I listen to satan’s lies that I can actually “control” so many things in my life. I depend on my own capability and then I worry that I will fail or it won’t work out or what if… What T said above is so true about forgetting there is a God and it isn’t me. Giving up that control to God daily and praying about that control daily is the difference in how I handle my worrying and anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry. Just ask anyone who knows me. When there is any—even a small amount that I think I can control—I will worry more. When I went through my cancer experience, I didn’t worry. That may sound shocking (I was surprised too) but I couldn’t control it. There was no way I was able to control if that cancer left my body. I get frustrated with myself because why do I not worry about a tumor in my body but I worry about a conflict or being good enough. There it is again…satan’s lies versus God’s truth. When I live and pray in God’s truth rather than Satan’s lies—-there is trust, faith, hope and life with much less worry. It is a daily discipline.

The connection between worry and control is a strong one for me. Sometimes I have heard myself express worry as an effort to control someone else’s actions. “I am worried that you might get into an accident if you go for that long motor cycle ride.” What that really means is, “Don’t go on the motor cycle ride. Stay home instead so I can feel safe.”

Or I’ve used worry to manipulate someone else’s feelings; “Where have you been? You said you’d be home at 5 and it’s 5:30, and I was worried something awful had happened to you while you were out walking the dog!” What that really means is, “I’m mad at you for being late because I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I was lonely, and you obviously don’t care, so you should feel guilty.”

The idea in my case is to try to control the outside world in order to feel better on the inside. I felt insecure, so I expressed worry to control someone else.

Of course, I never do this kind of thing anymore since, now that I am aware of this dynamic, I am totally in control of it. So don’t worry about me. I’m fine.

T

A friend once told me that FINE—-a word I used all the time to describe “how I was” really did not mean FINE at all. It really stands for:

F = Freaked out
I = Insecure
N= Neurotic
E = Emotional

:)

Yes. I do know that acronym and I was referring to it ironically as I ended my last posting. He, he.

T