Maybe I Don't Know What the ^&*% I'm Talking About

Tonight, I met one of my very best friends at the San Carlos Caltran station to pick him up after work. He is in town from Indianapolis for a conference. Colin and I then had dinner with Brian Underhill. I wanted the two of them to meet because they are both very cool guys and are involved in the same kind of work.

Colin and I just finished the kind of talk we’ve had many times in the years since we met at Michigan State in 1988. He told me about a comment Dan Allender made in a conference Colin attended a while ago. Allender said, “If you can articulate the process that God uses to change people, then there’s a good chance you haven’t recently experienced God’s change in your life in a meaningful way.”

What Colin and I took this to mean was that there is mystery to the ways God uses to change us. We want there to be a process we can understand. We probably want to do this so we can apply the process without having to entrust God too deeply with our lives. If we can articulate a process, then that means we see it as a process alone and not as a sequence of visible and invisible events driven by the mystery of the Holy Spirit. If we can explain it, it means we think we understand it, which means we are probably far from understanding. If we can explain it, it’s because what we understand is due to what we see from the past.

But here’s the kicker: It’s easy to understand what God was doing in our lives to change us when we look back in the past but that same vision and perception doesn’t happen as easily or predictably in the present moments of our lives.

So, tonight, before I go to bed, I have to ask myself: How much of what I envision and long for in the church in general and Journey in particular flows from what I think I understand about God and his people based on what I’ve perceived in the past? And how much do I assume that those patterns apply for the current moment and the future? To what extent do I think I understand what God is doing or wants to do just because of clarity I have from looking backwards and to what extent is that legit?

This is a question that humbles me. And it causes me to doubt myself. It causes confusion and uncertainty. It makes me want to give in. Certainly, that is easier.

Some of the people who read my posts have written to me to say they’re glad I’m posting again. But I also know there are other people who take what I write personally when I don’t mean it to be personal. On one hand, I feel a strong sense that I’m supposed to write these things, even though I know they are disruptive. It’s part of the prophet gifting I have. It’s not an easy gift to carry sometimes. Not just sometimes. It’s usually hard to carry.

For those who care to read this, I think I need to say that I don’t really know for sure what we are supposed to do as a church. What I do know is that I am aching inside for an experience of God with the people I know. Right now, the most important people in my life go to Journey. What happens at Journey matters to me. I love Jeff Wenke and Vanessa and Jeff Mincey and Brandi and Frances and Skippy and Joel and Rob and Steve and Nichole and Ted and Matt McPhail and Kelly. When I see Dean in the morning setting up, I dig knowing he’s into racing as much, if not more than me. When I see Tom Byrne in his pajamas, I see a guy comfortable with himself. The people at Journey — the ones I named and the ones I didn’t because I’m tired and ADD — are the people I want to be in a church with.

I know I write with strength about ideas I have but I’m suddenly uncertain. Maybe I should be quiet. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to cause dissension or problems. I truly care about what happens to us as a church. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.