Surrender
Posted August 1st, 2008 by Barbara P
in
After having a rather intensive knee surgery on July 3rd, God has taught me a HUGE lesson in surrender…sometimes I hate it when God gives me exactly what I ask for.
I certainly expected that the doctor didn’t know what he was talking about and that I would bounce right back from this surgery and be up on my feet and running around within a few weeks. More than a month was a ridiculous thought to me, much less three to six months.
After coming to realize that two or three weeks had gone by and I hadn’t realized it (thank you oxycontin), nor had I any idea what day it was…nor could I get myself anything to eat, drink, read or dress or bathe myself I began to pray feverishly and get frustrated and fully irritated. Being a single mom who worked 5 jobs, went to Stanford to see 6 specialists, was on 5 leadership teams at the Journey and still managed to home-school, I was fiercely independent and this didn’t sit well with me. At first I tried to do little things for myself, which just irritated my caregivers. Then I tried helpful advice…which REALLY irritated my caregivers. I was so frustrated, I just was crying, so mad and frustrated and helpless that I threw up my hands and surrendered to God. I find in my life that when I don’t know what to do I tend to try to grasp for control, I struggle and pull and yank and grab desperately with all my might to try to get everything back on track before everything crashes and burns. By this point I am at a point of anxiety where I can’t breathe, I can’t think straight, I have heart palpitations and all I can do…is give it to God. Once I am free of it, and I can surrender it, all the weight that is crushing me is gone.
Although it still drives me crazy having people wait on me. heehee
Extra surrender
Just wanted to add that this lesson is surrender has been a much longer lesson than just a recovery of 3 to 6 months to walk again, this has been a personal journey of 16 years or more of physical struggles where no one knew what was wrong with my body and frankly, no one believed me. The nerve and joint pain I was constantly feeling was indetectible through all the 20+ blood tests, MRIs, x-rays and multiple other tests I was having. Doctor after doctor would tell me “You can’t have handicap parking. You’re too young to be in this pain, you just need to walk.” Gee…I wish I had thought of that.
All this time, God was able to hold me up, keep me in a sunny disposition and help me to surrender, even though I tried mightily to gain control over my life. Each time I struggled to grasp control of the doctors and tests and wanted to strangle someone into listening to me, God would calm me and help me to realize that he would take care of things in His time…not mine.
I threw up my hands to God. I gave it all to Him. I stopped working, I stopped homeschool for summer. I said, “Here ya go God, get ‘er done.”
It was finally an amazing turn of events that changed everything in the past three months. After years and years of filing through doctors, diagnosis, tests, etc., I ended up changing to a doctor at Stanford. I was referred to many different specialists there. Within three months, there was a whirlwind of help. I had pain management, saw a surgeon, was seen for my sleep disorders, I had a definite diagnosis of my rare genetic disorder (don’t be jealous) and here I am. On my way to physical health through spiritual healing, letting God lead the doctors hands, praying over my pain and healing. It’s been an amazing month. Praise God!!!
Wow
I rejoice with you at this amazing breakthrough. I had a debilitating illness from age 18 to 30 and know all too well the emotional as well as the physical roller coaster you end up riding. Praise God you have some answers. The really good news is you will be a better person for having survived the process (although I can think of funner things to endure!!)
Yeeeaaahhhh God!!